I Cannot Summon That State Of Mind: In And Out Of That Depressive “Fog”

“Fog’s so thick/you can’t even spy the land.” ~Bob Dylan

I have written about depression before. In many ways, it is ineffable, and indescribable. It is exists in a place beyond words.

Good descriptions of *it* exist, like in William Styron’s excellent book, Darkness Visible. Stryon’s description of his descent rings true. Been there, done that. Darkness, for me, descended in the teenage years, and came on like an intermittent fog in the time since, with better and worse times, and a gradual lifting of intensity, as full-time work and fatherhood came on.

The opposite of depression is maybe vitality, not joy (Styron said that).

Carrying the fog metaphor a little further, consider this:

• when you are in fog, all is fog around you. You can’t see out of it. It can be so thick you have to pull your car over because you simply cannot see.
• when the fog lifts, do you still remember the fog?

When I am not inside the fog, as, for example, right now, I can’t remember what it was like, *inside the fog*. It is beyond words, and besides, humans are good at forgetting things that cause us pain. Perhaps not remembering darker states of mind is a survival mechanism.

At this moment, I cannot imagine existential dread, or despair, or that soul-sapping feeling of being drained of all life, all vitality. But I know it exists. It…